Attention You Christmas Whores

It is November 2nd.

You are not allowed to start your jazz-fueled christmas-ennui until November 25th.

Then, on that lonely and drizzling Black Friday, you can listen to Mel Tormé’s version of Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas and cry your eyes out.

Cry – and consider moving to Canada where at least your tears would freeze in your eyes like they’re supposed to, instead of being fucked up by climate change.

But at this point… in early November, you are supposed to be focusing on Thanksgiving. Focus on hoping that THAT day will make you feel less lost and cold, but not quite cold enough.

Right now you still have a chance to hear how thankful your people are for you, while charmingly carving turkey and playing touch football in the crisp breeze while you wear a sweater that could have been knit by Mrs. Weasley.

Now is still the time for cornucopias, NOT the love actually theme music.

Thank you.

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