1. Don’t try to go on a date ever again.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go on a date. It just means, don’t TRY. You know? As I have said before “shoot yourself in a catapult for the moon, and if you miss you were going to suffocate anyway because it is OUTER SPACE.”
2. If there is ANY part of you that DOESN’T want to go on a date, DON’T GO.
No shoulds. I guess I shouuuuld. Who cares. DON’T GO. DON’T GO. HAVEN’T YOU HAD ENOUGH HORRIBLE SMALL TALK IN YOUR LIFE? DON’T GO!
3. In other words: Don’t go out with someone if you don’t want to.
Who cares if you are a metaphorical door closer! Close doors! I love closing doors now! I used to feel so badly closing doors, but now I just live and breathe door closing and I go around happily closing all the many annoying doors there are to close.
I just closed this door because I can – and I would rather sit in my room tonight staring at the wall than keep this metaphorical door open. I am sure you are a lovely person, but I have started to believe I might be a witch because my intuition is very strong and I keep looking at my phone at 11:11. Yea, pretty cool, but sorry I don’t want to date you or anyone probably. Or maybe someone! Who knows!
4. Don’t sleep with anyone ever.
Stay cold and distant. A cold and distant heart is an unbreakable one. “Don’t do anything the Virgin Mary wouldn’t do.” That’s what I always say. But if you do, well, I guess you may be a witch anyway, why not just break ALL the rules.
5. Don’t think that someone will grow on you in time.
It doesn’t happen. Nobody grows on you. And if they do, you just deluded yourself into letting someone grow on you and one day you will wake up and be like, WHAT DID I DO THIS FOR. But, if they actually do grow on you, like for real, and you aren’t just dating them because you are afraid of being alone or because you have always wanted to marry someone in finance, ignore this. I do not know everything.
6. SPLIT. CHECKS.
That way nobody owes anyone anything. Ever. And then you can part as you came, guilt-free, debt-free, scot-free. If someone offers to pay, you insist on paying half. But then if they insist on paying AGAIN, then you let them pay because, GOD, FINE! THANK YOU. And I guess it’s a good spiritual skill to be able to accept gifts. Gifts are nice. You still owe no one anything.
7. Try very hard not to pretend you know something you don’t.
Meaning, if they mention a movie you haven’t seen, or a comedian you don’t know, or … something about like… politics…. don’t say: “Yea, it sounds familiar”. It is not familiar! What are you talking about? Great! Now you’re ignorant AND a liar.
Honesty is the best policy. Say: “What the hell?” or say “No, I have no idea who that is. Sorry, I don’t read the news because I am very easily emotionally affected by media and tragedies- and the wars and GMO issue really raise my cortisol and I’m trying to figure out what may have been causing my wacky hormones these past 12 years, so it important that I cut down on stress”.
8. Be extremely awesome.
You can’t trick people into thinking you’re awesome. Remember what they told you in Pre-school? They said something like: The best way to be awesome is to BE YOURSELF. You can’t be awesome like somebody else, because that is fake. SO you need to figure out… who yourself… is. And then be that.
9. Figure out who yourself is.
In layman’s terms: Figure out who you are. Don’t run away from yourself. Spend a lot of time alone talking to yourself. Talk to yourself in the mirror or while you are zenly pulling hairs out of your leg with tweezers, that’s what I do at least. It works. I have gotten to know myself very well.
10. Then like yourself.
You’re probably great. So if you don’t like yourself, you probably just need to get over it and start liking yourself. But if you don’t like yourself because you are ACTUALLY a horrible person, just stop being a horrible person, and lots of things will probably get better for you.
11. Be Selfish.
Spiritually selfish. Take care of yourself…. because you can’t do anything for anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself. It’s true, I read it on Oprah Magazine’s Facebook page.
12. Make sure you like yourself more than everyone else, ever.
Once you become awesome (above) and like yourself genuinely, because you’re great, you will be able to easily like yourself more than anyone else. And this way, anyone you date will inherently not be able to trump your own autonomy and needs, because you inherently like yourself MORE, because you are awesome and also you just met them, so they can suck it.
And then when someone inevitably does make you forget who you are and what you want and where you are going, you simply try to figure out whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, and THEN… I dunno, actually. But! Like yourself a lot because it’s sometimes easy to forget who you are and how much you should listen to yourself.
13. Make sure you like being with the person you are dating more than you like being by yourself.
Because if not, you may as well just sit by yourself staring at a wall eating the Pirate’s Booty you bought from the drugstore. That’s what I always say!
HOWEVER- make sure that you can still be by yourself, because you will probably end up by yourself again. That isn’t a definite, just a probable. Sorry. I mean, I believe in happy endings, but it is best to prepare for the worst. And in the very least, you will have to spend time by yourself anyway. Like in an empty waiting room at the doctor’s office and some parts of everyday.
14. Trust yourself.
15. Trust Life.
If life had a face, it would be a super nice face, that sometimes got angry, or mean, or frustrating, or heartbreaking. But it has a nice face. Life… is taking care of you. Don’t ask my how I know.
16. Have conversations with yourself.
Bored? Lonely? Talk to yourself! Duh. Work on comforting yourself. Cracking yourself up. YOU MIGHT BE ALL YOU NEED. OR MAYBE NOT.
17. STOP RUSHING.
There is no rush. Why all the rush? Won’t you just look back and wish you were enjoying your silly little lonesome time you are experiencing now?
However! IF you are a woman who definitely wants (many) kids, I have no advice for you. THAT is stressful. And truly, I say, pray, honestly. Pray. “Dear God, CAN I be the next immaculate concepter? You and I both know the world could use a savior, the polar bears are dying! I am SORRY for my witchy ways, but I really do believe that the work I did was harmless! I just closed some doors on some people, and they are fine! They are better off, even!”
18. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO. NOT. SECRETLY HOPE SOMEONE WILL COME ALONG AND SAVE YOU.
Nobody is going to save you. You have to save you. And you probably don’t even need to be saved.
THIS IS IT. THIS IS LIFE. YOU ARE ALIVE! THIS IS YOUR LIFE! MAKE IT GOOD AND COOL! DO COOL THINGS AND ENJOY THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU!
You are still gonna be alone when you are in the doctor’s office waiting 45 minutes for him to actually enter the door, unless you avoid the doctor altogether like me because you have a catastrophic insurance plan.
But you will also be alone sometimes throughout every day and you are gonna have to deal with yourself still. And it’s gonna be greatttttt.
…I happily wrote this post on a Saturday night because I’m tired and sad