Caroline Dooner

actress, singer, other things (not a model)

Upcoming! Possible Memoir Titles, November 16th

Yo Yo. I have another date for my show Possible Memoir Titles. A night where I pitch titles for my future memoir (and also just sing songs because I want to).

It is getting real this time. I have been WASTING time, just pissing around before: This time I am going to CHOOSE MY FAVORITES and have the audience vote.

I’ll be singing: Little Mermaid, P!nk, Carole King, Old standard song, a song about husband hunting, A James Bond song, Sarah Bareilles, Regina Spektor, a fake french song…. more.

and I will perform some songs I wrote, titled:

Leave Me Alone
I Hope I End Up Happier than You
I don’t want to be a manic pixie dream girl

(Other stuff will happen too.)

new postcards nov

My Dating Advice: 18 tips for others and myself in case I forget

1. Don’t try to go on a date ever again.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go on a date. It just means, don’t TRY. You know? As I have said before “shoot yourself in a catapult for the moon, and if you miss you were going to suffocate anyway because it is OUTER SPACE.”

2. If there is ANY part of you that DOESN’T want to go on a date, DON’T GO. 

No shoulds. I guess I shouuuuld. Who cares. DON’T GO. DON’T GO. HAVEN’T YOU HAD ENOUGH HORRIBLE SMALL TALK IN YOUR LIFE? DON’T GO!

3. In other words: Don’t go out with someone if you don’t want to.

Who cares if you are a metaphorical door closer! Close doors! I love closing doors now! I used to feel so badly closing doors, but now I just live and breathe door closing and I go around happily closing all the many annoying doors there are to close.

I just closed this door because I can – and I would rather sit in my room tonight staring at the wall than keep this metaphorical door open. I am sure you are a lovely person, but I have started to believe I might be a witch because my intuition is very strong and I keep looking at my phone at 11:11. Yea, pretty cool, but sorry I don’t want to date you or anyone probably. Or maybe someone! Who knows!

4. Don’t sleep with anyone ever.

Stay cold and distant. A cold and distant heart is an unbreakable one. “Don’t do anything the Virgin Mary wouldn’t do.” That’s what I always say. But if you do, well, I guess you may be a witch anyway, why not just break ALL the rules.

5. Don’t think that someone will grow on you in time.

It doesn’t happen. Nobody grows on you. And if they do, you just deluded yourself into letting someone grow on you and one day you will wake up and be like, WHAT DID I DO THIS FOR. But, if they actually do grow on you, like for real, and you aren’t just dating them because you are afraid of being alone or because you have always wanted to marry someone in finance, ignore this. I do not know everything.

6. SPLIT. CHECKS. 

That way nobody owes anyone anything. Ever. And then you can part as you came, guilt-free, debt-free, scot-free. If someone offers to pay, you insist on paying half. But then if they insist on paying AGAIN, then you let them pay because, GOD, FINE! THANK YOU. And I guess it’s a good spiritual skill to be able to accept gifts. Gifts are nice. You still owe no one anything.

7. Try very hard not to pretend you know something you don’t. 

Meaning, if they mention a movie you haven’t seen, or a comedian you don’t know, or … something about like… politics…. don’t say: “Yea, it sounds familiar”. It is not familiar! What are you talking about? Great! Now you’re ignorant AND a liar.

Honesty is the best policy. Say: “What the hell?” or say “No, I have no idea who that is. Sorry, I don’t read the news because I am very easily emotionally affected by media and tragedies- and the wars and GMO issue really raise my cortisol and I’m trying to figure out what may have been causing my wacky hormones these past 12 years, so it important that I cut down on stress”.

8. Be extremely awesome.

You can’t trick people into thinking you’re awesome. Remember what they told you in Pre-school? They said something like: The best way to be awesome is to BE YOURSELF. You can’t be awesome like somebody else, because that is fake. SO you need to figure out… who yourself… is. And then be that.

9. Figure out who yourself is. 

In layman’s terms: Figure out who you are. Don’t run away from yourself. Spend a lot of time alone talking to yourself. Talk to yourself in the mirror or while you are zenly pulling hairs out of your leg with tweezers, that’s what I do at least. It works. I have gotten to know myself very well.

10. Then like yourself. 

You’re probably great. So if you don’t like yourself, you probably just need to get over it and start liking yourself. But if you don’t like yourself because you are ACTUALLY a horrible person, just stop being a horrible person, and lots of things will probably get better for you.

11. Be Selfish.

Spiritually selfish. Take care of yourself…. because you can’t do anything for anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself. It’s true, I read it on Oprah Magazine’s Facebook page.

12. Make sure you like yourself more than everyone else, ever.

Once you become awesome (above) and like yourself genuinely, because you’re great, you will be able to easily like yourself more than anyone else. And this way, anyone you date will inherently not be able to trump your own autonomy and needs, because you inherently like yourself MORE, because you are awesome and also you just met them, so they can suck it.

And then when someone inevitably does make you forget who you are and what you want and where you are going, you simply try to figure out whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, and THEN… I dunno, actually. But! Like yourself a lot because it’s sometimes easy to forget who you are and how much you should listen to yourself.

13. Make sure you like being with the person you are dating more than you like being by yourself.

Because if not, you may as well just sit by yourself staring at a wall eating the Pirate’s Booty you bought from the drugstore. That’s what I always say!

HOWEVER- make sure that you can still be by yourself, because you will probably end up by yourself again. That isn’t a definite, just a probable. Sorry. I mean, I believe in happy endings, but it is best to prepare for the worst. And in the very least, you will have to spend time by yourself anyway. Like in an empty waiting room at the doctor’s office and some parts of everyday.

14. Trust yourself. 

15. Trust Life. 

If life had a face, it would be a super nice face, that sometimes got angry, or mean, or frustrating, or heartbreaking. But it has a nice face. Life… is taking care of you. Don’t ask my how I know.

16. Have conversations with yourself.

Bored? Lonely? Talk to yourself! Duh. Work on comforting yourself. Cracking yourself up. YOU MIGHT BE ALL YOU NEED. OR MAYBE NOT.

17. STOP RUSHING.

There is no rush. Why all the rush? Won’t you just look back and wish you were enjoying your silly little lonesome time you are experiencing now?

However! IF you are a woman who definitely wants (many) kids, I have no advice for you. THAT is stressful. And truly, I say, pray, honestly. Pray. “Dear God, CAN I be the next immaculate concepter? You and I both know the world could use a savior, the polar bears are dying! I am SORRY for my witchy ways, but I really do believe that the work I did was harmless! I just closed some doors on some people, and they are fine! They are better off, even!”

18. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO. NOT. SECRETLY HOPE SOMEONE WILL COME ALONG AND SAVE YOU. 

Nobody is going to save you. You have to save you. And you probably don’t even need to be saved.

THIS IS IT. THIS IS LIFE. YOU ARE ALIVE! THIS IS YOUR LIFE! MAKE IT GOOD AND COOL! DO COOL THINGS AND ENJOY THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU!

You are still gonna be alone when you are in the doctor’s office waiting 45 minutes for him to actually enter the door, unless you avoid the doctor altogether like me because you have a catastrophic insurance plan.

But you will also be alone sometimes throughout every day and you are gonna have to deal with yourself still. And it’s gonna be greatttttt.

 

***

…I happily wrote this post on a Saturday night because I’m tired and sad

 

dating_a_celebrity

Possible Memoir Titles Cabaret, 9/29/14, in New York City

with rose

 

My next performance of my Possible Memoir Titles Cabaret, where I try to title my freaking memoir and also sing songs, will be September 29th, at Don’t Tell Mama Cabaret.

The show is at 7, and the doors open at 6:30! It is ten dollars cash at the door! But CALL and make a reservation so you actually get a seat because I am VERY POPULAR, didn’t you know?

Cannot WAIT to see you there!

Life Hacks

Don’t get stuck in your 9 to 5 desk life, eating your (delicious) but monotonous Chipotle Burrito Bowl for dinner with the exact same toppings you ALWAYS get, and watching yorkies run through sprinklers on Youtube until you nod off, only to realize that “the ice cream has melted but at least the pint was upright this time”.

Here are some ways to break the monotony, take charge of your life, and start turning some simple life-shit on its head.

 

OK.
Bandaids.

Why are you wearing bandaids on your FEET, when you could just be putting them IN your shoe (where they won’t come off in the shower)?!

This could save money, time, and stress rubbing dirty glue off of feet.

(I may need to wait a week or two til my blister heals before I know if this works or not.)

 

Locks.

Why WHY WHYYY are you locking your door when you could just be… not locking your door.

This saves time WHEN you get home, and also tricks robbers into thinking you’re home CAUSE YOUR DOOR ISN’T LOCKED.

This is a HUGE “duh”.

 

Cooking.

Why are you cooking when you could just be eating cheese and crackers? Yes it gets boring, but way easier AND DELICIOUS.

ALSO THE CRACKER BOREDOM IS WHAT PIZZARIAS AND CHIPTOLTES ARE FOR. Also there are so many different kinds of crackers.

 

MAKING YOUR BED.

WHY ARE YOU MAKING YOUR BED WHEN ALL YOU ARE GOING TO DO IS GET BACK IN IT AND MESS IT UP AGAIN? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO CONSTRICT YOUR FEET WITH THAT SHEET TUCK-IN? WHY DO I WANT THE ROOM TO BE COLD BUT TO WRAP MYSELF UP IN A BLANKET? What does it mean.

 

HAIR DRYING.

Why are you blow drying your hair when you could just be … NOT blow drying your hair? Why are you trying to create straight hair when all I wanna do is create curly hair but you’d better believeI am NOT going to spend time curling it with a curling iron like I did in college when I thought I was ugly and that my cheeks were too big because now I accept things the way they are no matter how lifeless and limp and chipmunky?

 

SOAP

Besides the fact that I DID contract mono (from kissing NO ONE, thanks for nothing France), I think we ALL know germs are not real. And even if they are, you may as well make your body strong by dealing with them.

 

BOOKS

Why are you spending your time reading the books when you could just be trying to make friends by forcing people to explain the entire plot to you. Or just see the movie. (Also, you will ruin the movie if you read the book.)

 

SHAVING

Why are you shaving when you can just only wear long sleeves and pants every day of the summer like I used to do in high school because I thought a size 4 was “too fat” to show skin, “thank god I do theater indoors in the air conditioning and my younger days of swim team are behind me, also I think I need to quit ballet because NO leotards fit these boobs.”

 

CASH

I’m surprised cash still exists. You know, one day the government will take away the cash. Cash is actually good I think, except ATM fees. Those are BULLSHIT.

 

BANKS

I GET CHARGED FOR GOING UNDER $100 in my checking account! I WOULD SWITCH FROM TD BANK because it is NOT America’s convenient-est anymore, and I DO feel that both Regis and Kelly led me astray, but I am TOO lazy and afraid of big life choices like bank-choosing.

 

WALKING

Why would you walk to the subway when you could run and catch an earlier one?

 

RUNNING

Why would you run for exercise when you could just walk and get less sweaty and retain the integrity of your knees? Also why would you go for a run and then take the elevator upstairs?

 

DOCTORS

Why would you go to doctors to find out what is wrong when you could live so much happier in oblivion?

 

Ok. I hope this has been thought provoking.

 

I’m a Liar

A couple weeks ago I promised myself that I would never lie again.

This was for a few reasons… first reason: I have read a lot of spiritual self-help books, and many of them talk about the life changing benefits of never lying. Even seemingly tiny, insignificant lies.

One lady promised herself a year of no lying, and during that year she left her marriage, left her religion, became a lesbian, and now she is basically semi-famous and rich.

That is all pretty exciting to me. And besides the fact that I am not married, not religious**, and not a lesbian (no matter how many times I have asked myself, just to make sure), I would definitely like to be honest and rich.

The second reason is that I found myself lying a lot to get out of things: dinner dates, jobs, lunch dates, auditions, afternoon dates. I lied a lot to support my burgeoning hermit lifestyle and also because I am not very consistent with my calendar, so I overbook things. Basically, I started to lie because I didn’t want to do anything and also because I am disorganized and lazy even when I DO want to do things.

So I thought, what if I was forced to tell the truth, and say like “Hey, I overbooked my evening, I said I would go to dinner with three different people and now I am choosing someone else over you.”

or

“Hey, I know we said that we should have lunch, but not only should I be busy doing about 10 projects I put into my “reminders” app, (none of which pay anything), I also just don’t really feel like leaving my apartment right now. Not sorry.”

or

“Hey, I am sort of bored and stressed by you, and honestly, tonight I’d rather go to Chipotle alone than meet up. Maybe we can reschedule next week? But I may bail again, because as I said: I am bored and stressed by you.”

I would be forced to either keep my appointments (which goes along with no lying) or end up being very blunt about why they can’t happen.

Also, I wonder how many friends I would lose, and if that would be an ok thing? Maybe that is my equivalent of “becoming a lesbian”?

“I gave up lying, and as a I result I started getting really good sleep, saved a lot of money on glasses of wine, AND lost all my friends. They started saying I was “rude”.”

But anyway, a month ago I promised myself that I would never lie again. And in this past month I have only sort-of followed through.

Actually I just remembered yesterday I was supposed to be following a life-changing Honesty Regime, and I so I decided to figure out how it was going.

THESE ARE THE LIES I HAVE TOLD THIS PAST MONTH:

-I was telling a story, and I said that someone “called me 2 hours later”, and it was really just 1 hour. (I did this yesterday.) And I did it because I wanted it to seem like that person took even longer to call me than they did. And right as I said it I thought “wait I should go back and amend that detail because of my year of no lying, but then I realized it would interrupt the flow of my story. (Yes I am lying by omission right now by not saying who they are. UGH.)

-I said that I “didn’t realize this was the bar you worked at until after I came inside”, but that was a lie. I passed by the bar, saw the name “Molloy’s” realized it was the bar, then went inside, THEN SAID that I didn’t realize til AFTER I came inside. WHY DID I DO THAT?

-I lie by omission. Specifically, I said I couldn’t go to a reunion-party-thing but didn’t say why. I didn’t say: “I am going to the Sara Bareilles concert instead”. I also didn’t say, “I could have chosen either/or, and I chose the comped Sara Bareilles concert.” Actually more lies, we ALL SPLIT the comp ticket prices with regular tickets, so it was $30, not $60. But I LOVE Sara Bareilles. I am sorry, but I don’t necessarily regret it.

-I say a lot: “I don’t know why I did that?!” Even though I OFTEN DO KNOW WHY.

-I say “I am a Hermit” a lot, and I am not, I just think it sounds funny and dramatic. I am, however, a secret introvert and also can’t drink that much and also probably have mild on-and-off Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that may or may not have been caused by the Mono that I contracted in a mysterious and virginal way a few summers ago. (I also just live really far from everyone.)

-I said I was a student just to get a discount on a yoga class.

-I said namaste at the end of the yoga class and I don’t even know what that MEANS.

-I talk about myself a lot. I guess that is not a lie at all, it is just annoying behavior.

-I act more enthusiastic about things than I am. Like for instance I say: “I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU”, when really, I am just like normal excited. Or maybe I am just pleasantly neutral about seeing someone, but I say I am so excited, in caps, over text, because of any dumb reason someone does shit like that.

-I RSVP yes on Facebook to things I am not even sure I can ATTEND.

-Lie to MYSELF about what is a realistic amount to get accomplished between 10 pm and midnight.

-I said I would write 1 hour of my book but then I just went on youtube instead.

-I said I would give away my old clothes that are ugly and don’t fit but I HAVEN’T. They are sitting in my room in a trashbag. And I bet I will throw them out completely, eventually.

-The other day I said I didn’t care if I died alone. That was a lie.

-I also sometimes ask friends who are on okcupid or tinder “SHOULD I BE DOING THIS?” when I know the answer. Now? No. Future? Who knows, who cares.

-I responded to texts “SURE, LET’S DO IT!” with NO intention of DOing IT!

-I say I’m gonna go to bed but I don’t. I go on my phone. Or I get in bed and then I get on my phone.

-I kept “Currently in Sketch 101 Class at UCB” on my resume for like a year, even though I had to drop out of the class to go do a show in another city.

-**Yesterday I told my mom I would do a Novena with her even though I am not Catholic anymore, because I have a lot of mom anger and she is hoping this will help. And though I am skeptical and annoyed, I agreed because I kind of like saints and rituals, even though I don’t like Catholicism. I said the little prayer yesterday that I was reading from online and I had to say the words: “Jesus my savior… your son and my liberator” and inside I was like I DON’T KNOW IF THAT IS TRUE. (I did however, SOB throughout the whole thing, so… I’m either unhinged or healing.) I did however tell my mom: “I am not doing any of the listed “optional” steps. And also I am not Catholic.”

I could be worse. But I could be better. Today I am recommitting to never lying again. Hopefully I’ll be rich soon.

8/13/14 Caroline’s On Broadway (Sketch Show: Laundry Day)

(Don’t get confused.  Yes my name is Caroline, and yes it is confusing, and yes this sketch show is at famous “Caroline’s On Broadway” Comedy Club, and no I’m not going to explain it any less confusingly than that.)

I am gonna be in an awesome sketch show on August 13th at 9:30 at Caroline’s On Broadway in some Musical Sketches.

Tickets here!

Possible Memoir Titles & Songs

Here are some clips from my show, Possible Memoir Titles & Songs.

I can’t put the whole thing up here because I read a quote once that said “Leave ‘Em Wanting More”.

I also read a quote that said “Don’t Give it All Away on the First Date”.

I think Einstein said both of those.

Dressing Issues Season 2

I will not really teach you how to get dressed.

I will teach you how to get dressed under terrible conditions

I will show you how to pick out great outfits 

I will show you how to do nothing  helpful 

I will help YOU find

I will help ME find something great to wear

I have a lot of terrible clothes

I don’t know what I am doing.

Subscribe to my channel  because I have a lot of helpful videos

7/13/14 “Possible Memoir Titles (& Songs)”

If you’re in Philly, come out to L’Etage on Sunday, July 13th at 7 pm.

New Image.jpg

 

Possible Memoir Titles (& Songs)

I’m singing some fun songs with an awesome band, (and using the evening to figure out what I should title my future memoir.  Come help me help you help myself figure it out.)

 

Band:

Amanda Morton: Keys, Jake Hager: Guitar, Kanako Omae: Drums, Eldon Oswald: Mandolin, Caroline Dooner: Vocals (& Rambling).

 

L’Etage, 6th and Bainbridge

Doors at 7, Show at 8, $10,

21+ (Cause there’s a bar)

NO DRINK MINIMUM WOOOOO!

Buy Tickets! Or pay cash at the Door.

 

The show runs just over an hour.

Not able to make it? Wanna hear about other upcoming shows, other places, other times? Then get on my email list…

This Song is Called “No Use”

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